Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Confession of an adoptive dad

I'm so lost right now. There isn't a good way to ease into this topic, so I'll just get started...and by the way, this is the short version - since I've already spent hours trying to compose this post tonight with just the right words to accurately convey the sentiment, only to have it eaten by the cyber monster.

Last spring and summer we realized we needed to make some decisions about our family size. It turns out that we both felt that we would love to have another child. A second adoption was considered, but we have so many reservations about it now. We chose to have another biological child. As a few of you know, that endeavor ended abruptly when our baby died in utero nearly half-way through my pregnancy.

Fast-forward a bit - I've been periodically asking my husband if he thinks we should try to have another baby. He always seems thoughtful, but in the end just replies, "I don't know....". I have assumed that perhaps he is still at a point of grieving that he can't really give it full consideration, or that he is afraid of another loss - that is, the loss of another baby. Well, the topic came up again tonight, and all of a sudden, out came the truth. I'm surprised - at his sudden candor, afraid - that his fear could be legitimate, and completely taken aback (shocked) - at the finality...the conviction he voiced:

I'm afraid it would be a boy. If the baby were a boy, he would look like me. I mean, regardless of how much he actually resembles me, I would have one son who doesn't look like me and one son who does look like me. People would comment on that in a round-about way and they would probably assume that I loved him more and that he was more of a 'real' son to me than [our son's name]. I just couldn't stand to hear, 'Oh, he looks so much like you!' I just love [son's name] so much and I feel like I am developing such a strong relationship with him and if I then had a son who looked like me, it would ruin everything. I never want [son's name] to think that I want any other son or that I have some need to have a biological son. So, that's it....that's why I don't know if I want you to
have another baby....I never want any other son. [son's name] is my son.

(Okay, please don't judge!) If nothing else, I would be thankful that he didn't waste any more time thinking that he couldn't share these feelings - regardless if they had any merit. But the truth is, this validates the secret thoughts I had the whole time I was pregnant...what will we do if it's a boy?

It would ruin everything?

I never want another son?

Well, that's pretty much how I feel about it, too, come to think of it. Don't ask me why this wasn't on the radar last spring/summer - before I was pregnant.

So now what.