Wednesday, April 18, 2007

heavy heart

My son's foster family has been occupying my thoughts, as we have been in contact with them again this week. I may have a post brewing about the connections between these families and the children they foster, and adoptive parents' perceptions of foster relationships - but this week, in particular, doesn't seem like the right timing for me to attempt that topic.

Instead, I want to join my thoughts and prayers with those of you who have spoken out on injustice and tragedy this week, though I don't have anything profound to add to the discussions.

Margie has compiled a list of posts that address the injustice that has come to light regarding the custody of Evelyn Bennett. I continue to hope and pray that the deceitful, unethical practices that created this situation will be recognized by the courts (or by the people who have custody of baby Evelyn), and that she will be returned to her family without further delay.

Jae Ran has a sobering post regarding the aftermath of the Virginia Tech shootings. I have no words, just a heavy heart, for all affected by this horrendous tragedy - including Korean/Korean American community.

Monday, April 09, 2007


These days I wouldn't recommend an AP-centered adoption discussion forum to those curious about adopting. However, for anyone who is interested in adoption ethics, I think perusing them on a regular basis is a good idea, for an almost-complete education in 'What's Wrong With Adoption'. I've been stewing about several comments on one such forum since last week. These really aren't anything's just that they pop up right when I think progress is being made as far as wider discussions about adoption.

There is a post from last week that I would love to copy and paste here, but it's lengthy - so I'll just quote a few portions of it that I have continued to stew about since I first read it. It's so sad (beside the point that this in-your-face-toned 'bomb' was dropped into a decent discussion about whether we know as much as we think we do about adoption. From one who, apparently, knows everything she needs to know...)

We chose international adoption for several reasons. One reason that played a big part in our choice was the view that birthmothers should have the "right" to an open adoption. While many adoptive parents feel comfortable with this, we did not.

No offense to my cyber-friends/acquaintences who may have initially chosen international adoption because of real or perceived/feared issues with the US domestic adoption system, but when I hear of folks choosing international adoption as a way around dealing with 'birth'parent issues, it hurts. I guess because when I think of 'birth'parents....well, I don't actually...I think of my son's mother! When people 'in the process' prance into a discussion and declare their willfull choosing of international adoption for its benefit of 'no birthparents', they are in effect stating that they have a certain disregard for the mother and father of the child they may adopt, and for the child, as well. I guess, even though I can only hope to meet my son's Korean mother some day, I still view him as an extention of her; in my mind they are connected in a meaningful, important way. People love to make this a simple issue of 'some people are comfortable with this, and some are not.' What a tired old cliche has become in the world of waiting-to-adopt (and post-adoption)! Accepting, fully accepting, the fact that an adopted child has biological/natural/first parents should not be optional. It can't be brushed aside as something that some people can 'handle' and others can't.

I'll just throw this next quote in because it shows a little more of the author's perspective/intentions:

People that constantly have to announce they feel a loss for their child that they gave up should not make those who feel a gain for the child they are raising feel guilty. We are the parents. We understand the love you had to have in order to do what you did.


As I stated earlier we are about to become parents. The only thing different is that we are using adoption as our means to becoming parents. It is not what will define our child or us.

"Using." Interesting choice of words.

Yes, she will know she is adopted. Yes, we will celebrate her country, entertain her questions, take trips and fill her life with those of her heritage.

So vague and non-commital, yet sadly it is still seen as the recipe for success. I would love to be able to 'celebrate', 'entertain', take trips, and 'fill [my son's] life' with every good thing. That still won't make the brokenness of adoption 'whole' again.

I would like to point out that as a future parent (through the means of adoption) there is a vast amount of education expected by our agency. We even have had financial checks, psychological status checks, background history, police checks, home inspections, and both required reading and parenting classes to continue in the process. We have had every aspect of our marriage and social relationships questioned and recorded. Our education on this event is not lacking as you kindly inplied.